Today is apparently “Let Everyone Know What a Failure You Are as a Parent Day!” Apparently.
I was up too late last night and ate too much pumpkin pie, so I was already feeling like crap this morning. I’ve been trying not to get sucked into the swirl of work stress after feeling so much better during the days off for Thanksgiving – metaphorically holding my breath hoping that work didn’t suck me in.
But this time the swirl of stress didn’t begin in my work email inbox; it came in a flurry of personal emails and texts mid-morning.
Over the Thanksgiving break, I’d discovered three voice mail messages from our school district trying to set up a hearing screening for my 12-year-old. I had no idea that I’d even missed any phone calls. I don’t know what happened. I’m choosing to blame my phone.
A secretary from the district office had reached out to the school counselor who reached out to my ex-husband trying to figure out why I wasn’t responding to messages and letting us know that because two weeks had gone by they had to START THE REFERRAL PROCESS COMPLETELY OVER and here are the forms you need to fill out. Again.
Multiple phone calls, texts, and emails later, I think I’d convinced at least the school counselor that I hadn’t been intentionally ignoring the messages. My ex doesn’t seem to be so sure. But we got the hearing appointment scheduled.
Then the flurry of texts and emails started again because someone else at my daughter’s school had emailed my ex-husband to let him know our daughter was tardy to 1st period that morning, that it was her third tardy, so she has to spend lunch tomorrow in detention.
I’m the one who drove my daughter to school this morning.
When I looked up the dates of the other tardies, I was the one who had driven her to school on all of the days she’d been late.
It wasn’t her fault she’d been tardy. It was mine.
I know better. I was a teacher. I know how important it is for her to be in class on time. I get it.
I owe my daughter a huge apology. I wish I could be put in detention instead of her. That would be more fair. (Actually, since I typically eat lunch at my desk while I work, having to eat lunch in a quiet room for 30 minutes sound kind of blissful.)
I told my boyfriend about what was going on, and he reminded me that I should give myself a little grace, but in this case I don’t feel like I deserve it.
I should be able to get my kid to school on time. Full stop.
It doesn’t matter if I’m trying really hard or what else I’m juggling. Getting her to school on time is pretty basic.
I’m feeling guilty. And I can feel myself wanting to lash out at my ex and at the school, but I resisted. I’m embarrassed and disappointed in myself, but self-aware enough, at least, not to make it worse by getting emotional or overreacting.
I just have to fix it. It goes right back to my goal this week of getting to bed earlier. If I get to bed on time, it’ll be easier to get up on time, I’ll be ready on time, and can get my daughter out the door without a rush or panic.
I simply have to do a better job than I’m doing now. I’m just not entirely sure how to actually do that.